A couple weeks ago when I was asked to speak about the ups and downs of life as a military spouse, I had a mild panic attack. (I MUCH prefer to write speeches for someone else.) But I said yes anyway, because the opportunity comes with tremendous potential to help members of our local community better understand military spouses.
Below is a portion of my remarks, shared here because I’m grateful for the friends who helped me write this. They gave me so much content that you might see several blogs in the coming weeks. — KDR
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Many of you have probably met dozens of military spouses and you’ve discovered that we’re not quite Stepford Wives. It’s hard to paint us in broad strokes, but chances are, if I asked you to describe a military spouse you’d say:
She’s outgoing, high achieving, really organized, and available if you need help. You’d point to the military spouses that serve as the PTO presidents in town. You’d reference the neighbor who has a bunch of kids and her husband is gone all the time but wow, she’s got her act together. You might think of the gal down the street who is a little more reserved, but always has a smile on her face.
The truth is, most of those distinctions are skills we’ve acquired to survive this life. Even my most introverted military spouse friends can “fake it” at a social gathering for an hour. Just one move earns you a Masters degree in organization. And nearly all of us are making the rest of it up as we go along.
While we aren’t all quite as similar as you imagine, I can tell you 3 basic truths that probably ring true for every military spouse I know.
- 1) When we said, “I do,” it was our equivalent of raising our right hand and agreeing to serve alongside the one in the uniform.
- 2) They pledged to “protect and defend” but we pledged our love and surrendered our lives to follow. Where you go, I will go. What matters to you, matters to me. What guides your life, guides my life.
- 3) They offer a salute as a sign of respect, we salute with our lives. We believe in something greater than ourselves.
This week when I asked a bunch of my military spouse friends what they wished their civilian neighbors or family members understood about life as military spouse, I received nearly 250 comments, emails and text messages.
Buried beneath all the reasons we love or appreciate this military life (meeting amazing people, moving to exotic locations, learning about new cultures), were a myriad of less concrete, harder to explain burdens of a military spouse.
These are the things we’re afraid to say out loud. It’s scary to name the heartbreaking parts of this life. (Because we spend a lot of time trying to not get our hopes up, to manage our expectations, and avoid disappointment whenever possible.)
But what if in the process of protecting our hearts, we lose heart?
What if, in the process of wearing the “superwoman mask” as a military spouse, we lose the opportunity to build connections with our civilian neighbors and friends that we need in order to survive this crazy gypsy life?
Because we do – we need you.
We need you to knock on our door. You may be in your forever home and slightly annoyed that the house next door is a rental property with three different families in three years, but when you take the time to say, “welcome to the neighborhood,” it’s life-changing for us.
One of my girlfriends shares a story about a time when that didn’t happen. They lived in a cul-de-sac in the South and within the first week they’d met nearly every neighbor except the family directly next door. Eventually she ran into that neighbor at the mailboxes and introduced herself. The neighbor said, “Yes, we saw you move in. We don’t usually get to know the people in the rental property. You’re all military and you just leave.”
Fortunately this friend had moved frequently enough that she’s not unfamiliar with that kind of welcome, so it didn’t upset her too much. And she’s confident enough to tell me, “Her loss! We are super fun!”
But even as she told me that story, I knew how hard that was to hear.
Because we aren’t as brave or as strong as we seem. For many of us, this life is much harder than we let it appear. We are lonely. Yes, moving frequently can teach you to make friends, but it can take a long time and a lot of effort (that often feels one-sided) to establish real friendships. It’s hard to find kindred spirits.
We need you to tell us where to find: a pediatrician, a nice dentist, a quality moms group, a church. And we really need to know best place for a haircut & highlight, and where NOT to go. While it’s a rite of passage to learn some of this stuff, we don’t have time to learn the hard way.
Quite frankly, by the time we’re worried about those roots and the highlights that no longer cover the premature grey hairs, we’re almost too tired to care.
Because we are exhausted. We may or may not have a college degree, but we have a PhD in Research. Before we ever moved in next door to you in your forever home, we researched where to live in at least two or three different states because the military said we “might” be moving there. And in order to figure out a house, we researched schools and tried to figure out whether this neighborhood fed that elementary school and this middle school, or that other high school and the new elementary school. Forget your concerns about gerrymandering congressional district maps! Trying to read a school district map in any given state might as well be reading hieroglyphs.
One of my girlfriends joked that by the time we figure allllll the things out about any given location, including the “secret handshake” that got us into that awesome Wine & Words book club, it’s almost time to go.
We need you to help us feel “at home.” A couple years ago, my husband and I attended a gathering for new families at the church we were attending in Alabama. I’ll never forget what the pastor said as he invited this small group of mostly military couples to join the church.
“We know you won’t be here long, but you’re welcome here and we wa
nt you to feel at home. Every time you move, you change your home address. We hope you’ll consider making this your church home address for as long as you’re here.”
Military spouses won’t tell you, but we are all homesick. We miss our families. We miss our friends. We miss having people who know us and invest in us.
We might tell you how this town isn’t like where we came from, but that’s because it’s easy. It’s safer to tell you the surface level stuff about being a military spouse rather than admit to being lonely or homesick.
But I believe the human heart was designed for community. We are all wired for connection and that’s where we become our best selves.
For as long as we’re here, we want to be part of your community. Psalm 68:6 says, “God sets the lonely in families,” and for this season, you get to be our family.
I know it’s hard to be friends with military spouses. One of the unintended consequences of learning to move well is forgetting how to cultivate things like friendship over the long term.
We need you to remember us. When I asked, “What would you say?” I received more than 200 messages. But three simple words captured my heart.
“Don’t forget us,” she said. “Our relationship changed when we moved but it didn’t end. We had no choice but to go. A piece of our hearts stayed with you. Don’t forget us.”
MomFebruary 16, 2018 11:39 pm
WOW! I think you just started another book! Loved it!
Doris YullFebruary 17, 2018 7:09 am
It brought tears to my eyes!!
Katye RiselliFebruary 17, 2018 9:50 am
Thank you for sharing!
Judy HookerFebruary 17, 2018 7:54 am
My husband was Military when we married, but not Career. Like many military men, he was the decider. We had 5 children, the child that died, Jeffrey, we had to borrow money to bury. In 18 years we moved 16 times. While it was difficult, but we did not avoid making friends.
Katye RiselliFebruary 17, 2018 9:51 am
Thank you for serving alongside your husband. Thanks for your sacrifices and thanks for supporting those who continue to serve. I appreciate you reading this…
Michelle HillMarch 19, 2018 1:11 pm
Were you ever stationed at Hahn AB, Germany? We moved into a house where the formers occupants’ last name was Hooker.
Terri StansellFebruary 17, 2018 1:57 pm
Beautifully written! Thank you. You brought tears to my eyes. This covers so much of what I felt all those years as a military spouse. <3
Barbara Brown KennellyFebruary 18, 2018 3:57 pm
Your article really struck home and before finishing, I was really crying. I was a military spouse AND a military daughter; now l am a military widow. But l was very lucky growing up, l had my mother as an example on how to cope with that life style. As my father (a WW ‘ll, Korea and Viet Nam vet) rose in rank, the more responsibilities she had to take on. With 5 children at home and in school became quite a lesson in logistics. When l married my husband, l learned very quickly what was expected from the spouse in comparison to what was expected from the children. When she passed away 14 years ago, I finally realized just exactly how much she had really taught me.
Katye RiselliFebruary 18, 2018 8:54 pm
Thank you for sharing! I’m a third generation Air Force spouse also. My grandfather and my dad both served in the Air Force for 30 years. Every generation of military spouses has rich rewards and it’s own unique challenges. Almost daily I realize how much I learned from my grandmother and my mom, and I’m grateful for their example. Thank YOU for serving alongside your husband also.
RebeccaFebruary 19, 2018 12:46 pm
This is amazing, you’re amazing. I am sitting at my desk with tears streaming down my face. Thank you sharing your life so bravely and vulnerably.
Katye RiselliFebruary 20, 2018 10:44 am
Thank you for reading! Sorry for the tears, but hopefully it’s therapeutic!
SheriFebruary 20, 2018 8:01 pm
Wow, great read, thanks so much! Thank you Katye and thank you so much for introducing me to Laura Bush years ago in KC!
Katye RiselliFebruary 23, 2018 8:08 am
Thank you for reading Sheri! That was a fun day in KC!
MicheleFebruary 21, 2018 7:06 am
Very well written. I’ve talked about writing a book about military spouse life. I think you are on your way there. Thank you for giving something well detailed to give our friends. Military spouse since 1984.
Katye RiselliFebruary 23, 2018 8:09 am
Thanks for reading Michele. I’ve always wanted a book to hand to military spouses – new or seasoned. I appreciate your vote of confidence.
KanoeFebruary 22, 2018 7:29 am
Just what I needed…thank you for speaking our truth.
Katye RiselliFebruary 23, 2018 8:08 am
Thank you for reading! You got this sister.
JenniferFebruary 22, 2018 10:35 am
Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing, I’m totally new in all this and had my first move with husband just a few months ago and just a couple days later found out we were expecting. This article definitely hit home and I’m glad I’m not alone in this.
Katye RiselliFebruary 23, 2018 8:07 am
You’re not alone! This life will stretch you and leave you with stretch marks, but just as with pregnancy, those stretch marks are evidence of LIFE, of LOVE, and of STRENGTH. You got this.
Mara WolffFebruary 22, 2018 6:48 pm
Thank you for sharing! I’ve struggled with loneliness and creating community and finding new friendships after every single PCS. Its become apart of who I am today and Im grateful for every bit of it.
Katye RiselliFebruary 23, 2018 8:13 am
Thanks for reading Mara! Every move makes us better. Thanks for serving alongside your spouse!
MarshalFebruary 23, 2018 4:47 am
I am part of another dynamic that is overlooked in 99% of military spouse material. I’m a husband to an active duty wife. I’m not complaining, we are very fortunate. The whole spouse community however needs to, at a minimum, check to see of there are any husbands in their spouse ranks. I receive emails addressed to “all the girls”, get lumped into supermom groups, my toddler could not go play with other toddlers because a male pretense would make the mom’s uncomfortable, and have been asked what rank my “husband” is on the phone because I must be married to a man (?).
Very. Little. Light. Shown on the husband of active duty wives demographic.
Katye RiselliFebruary 23, 2018 8:03 am
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I’ve had several mil spouse friends who were husbands to active duty wives. It’s a tough challenge that isn’t captured. My hope as a writer is to shed light on the less discussed pieces of our life as military spouses. By doing so, we’ll remember that we aren’t alone.
ChristinaFebruary 23, 2018 5:09 am
This is so good.
Katye RiselliFebruary 23, 2018 8:09 am
Thanks for reading Christina!
Charity ThompsonFebruary 23, 2018 6:33 am
This really hit home for me! My family is new to military life and I definitely struggle with being lonely! This article was what I needed to read so thank you!!
Katye RiselliFebruary 23, 2018 8:05 am
thanks for reading Charity! It’s an AMAZING life as military spouse. BE YOU. Be real, and don’t believe the lies that you’re all alone. There is always always another spouse who feels just like you. Find her and become her BFF. 😉 Be the friend you’re looking for.
JudyFebruary 23, 2018 3:16 pm
Thank you Katye for such a compassionate and beautifully written piece on being a Military spouse. I am not one, but our two daughters have been and is one, so we see the picture from a distance – literally and figuratively. Our oldest daughter’s husband’s career was short lived, but our younger daughter is in the “thick” of military life. She fits the profile you described to a “T”. Her husband is also in the Air Force. Their first assignment was on a Military base overseas. They met many amazing people with whom they have made lasting friendships. When they PCS’d back to the States they had a few temporary posts until they were assigned to another base in the South. Both our daughter and son-in-law grew up in the Northeast, so the transition from that lifestyle to a Southern lifestyle was challenging, but once again they made many new and wonderful lifetime friends there. They also had two children born in the same hospital there. They are still in the South, but our son-in-law is now stationed where there is no Base. So making friends is that whole other “game” of moving into the rented house, meeting the neighbors, and looking for those new “life time” friends. As time goes on their life choices depend on the next assignment. Will we get one that we like, so we will stay in the military – or will this be our exit, so they, too, can find their “forever” home and put roots down which adds stability and continuity to their children’s lives as well as their own
As parents/grandparents who live on the west coast we long to be near the family, but we cannot move every 3-4 years, so we can only support them in spirit with in annual trip to where ever they are.
We salute our daughters and their families as well as the many military people/spouses in our extended family, plus ALL the millions of other military people who serve their countries world wide. I think too many people take military people and their lives too lightly. I know our attitude has changed enormously for the better militarily thanks to our two daughters and extended military families.
THANK YOU, again, Katye, for your insight and for sharing it for all of us to see.
Katye RiselliFebruary 28, 2018 8:38 pm
Judy, thanks so much for reading, and for supporting your daughters and their military families. It’s a difficult life, but having a supportive family makes all the difference! Thanks to YOU too for sacrificing the time with your loved ones and being far away from grandchildren. My mom constantly wishes we were in the same town. It’s a sacrifice for grandparents too. THANK YOU!
MarciaFebruary 27, 2018 12:10 pm
I was a military BRAT and married military USAF. Growing up I went to 16 schools and was skipped twice and put back once. By the time I graduated High School at 16 I was used to adjusting. My life with my husband and son included living overseas many years. I was fortunate to have employment as a teacher throughout my husbands career. My life included traveling to many countries throughout the world and still enjoy travel.
KathyMarch 6, 2018 9:16 pm
Awe inspiring message. You captured the very essence of the military spouses souls. Very well done. Kudos to you. I loved it. Fantastic read.
Geraldine KiserMarch 19, 2018 10:32 am
38 years as a Navy spouse & every word you wrote struck a chord with me. When leaving friends I always advised those left behind to think of it as a travel opportunity to visit us in a new place!
Katye RiselliApril 20, 2018 8:45 am
Thank you for your kind words! Thanks too for your service and sacrifice alongside your spouse!
TheresaMarch 20, 2018 10:32 am
I’m not a military spouse, but my kids go to a small school with MANY military families. I subbed this morning and in the class with less than 20 students at least 5 just in that class we’re dealing with a parent gone either in another state or overseas. (That includes the teacher’s husband). This was just what I needed to help me work through how to be a better friend, substitute, etc. Thank you Jesus these kids are in a school where they can have a down day when they miss mommy or daddy. My 9 year old son was able to FaceTime Sunday with his best buddy who’s family moved to the other side of the states last summer. It’s hard and beautiful and chaotic and so appreciated by those sitting outside Post Military spouses keep things together. I am encouraging those of us who aren’t military to help them, when needed, hold it together or give permission and time to totally let it go. This was beautiful!
Katye RiselliApril 20, 2018 8:44 am
What a great perspective! It’s a unique lifestyle but we are so grateful for neighbors and teachers like you (especially substitutes) who lean in and reach out to us!
AnneMarch 21, 2018 1:19 am
Military spouse for a total of 17 years. Married 3 years before he joined. Our seventh move was last year and the hardest yet. I needed to read this because it expresses what my heart feels so often but doesn’t quite know how to express so well. A few January’s ago, I was the weird woman in the Target Christmas clearance aisle nearly in tears looking at one of the decorations. I had eyed it all season and it was a ridiculously good price. What brought me to near tears was not knowing if it would work in the next house or not. I wanted to buy it because I loved it and it looked beautiful on my mantel. Done. I didn’t want to consider if it would be practical in our next house. Some day I’ll buy things because they fit in my forever home and I won’t have to think about whether they will work in another house. (Yes, I bought that decoration I loved at a killer price. I don’t have a mantel where we moved, but I made it work. 😉)
PatriciaMarch 21, 2018 12:52 pm
I’d also add “Don’t be afraid to share job resources with us and help your community understand that military spouses have immense value and merit in the job and some amazing skills that come from our experiences in military life.” What they see is job instability. What they’d actually get if they gave those spouses a chance is a string of talents that run circles around book knowledge and that applied practicality put to efficient use in your company bringing in more business.
AmberMarch 21, 2018 6:42 pm
Are you referring to First Baptist Church in Prattville, AL? We heard that same speech when we were there several years. We miss the folks at that church but are hopeful we have found a similar place in our new duty station.
Katye RiselliApril 20, 2018 8:43 am
Actually it was St. James UMC in East Montgomery. I know there are several great churches there!
SharonMarch 22, 2018 10:30 am
I am a NOLOAD (No Longer on Active Duty) Marine wife and very proud of it. I have a couple of thoughts to share with other military spouses that I observed during 16 years of my Marine’s career. If your military spouse is deployed or even just TDY (temporary duty) you can almost be guaranteed three things will happen; kids will get sick, cars will break down, and there with be problems with your living space (base housing, rental apartments or houses, or purchased houses). These may happen one at a time or all of them. The best way I learned to handle them was to have a network of neighbors, friends, church members, etc. ready to help. My first “job” when we arrived at a new location was to start establishing that network so that when a situation arises I was ready. I tend to be very reserved so this was not an easy task at first but I got used to doing it and have made some life-long friends from. Before landing in our current and hopefully forever home we lived in 14 different residences in 19 years. A couple of those were moving with the same location to a different and better home. We have joked that we could pack out our 3/2 houses in 24 hours and unpack at the next location and be fully functional and organized in 48 hours. We also had PCS orders on the average of every one and a half years, three weeks, 2 days and 8 hours. Would you believe I would not change it for anything. Our daughter is still in contact with friends from some of the locations. Being a military spouse Is what you make of it. You must learn to adapt, improvise and overcome. Thank you for your article and thank you for listening to me.
KaraApril 14, 2018 5:39 am
Thank you for this article. The comment about forging relationships feeling one sided struck a cord with me. I tend to look at this lifestyle as MY LIFE. Meaning, my life isn’t waiting to start until we retire and have our forever home… my children’s childhood isn’t waiting to start until we are settled. Each duty station, each home within with same duty station is a chapter in our lives. I embrace each opportunity as making our lives the best it can be, because the reality of it is, my life has always been one to three year chunks of experiences (father was Army, married into Navy). If I “wait”, I’m missing out on the sweetest of memories and experiences. I most often have to be the person who initiates friendships, over and over. I open my home over and over… it can feel one sided. Most often it is… until it isn’t. Definitely easier said than done, but I encourage every spouse to embrace each duty station as another chapter in your story. Make that story the best book ever! Embrace those opportunities and know that all that effort we put into our new chapter is worth it! Even when it doesn’t always feel like it. God Bless every military family.